Saturday, August 24, 2013

The News I hate To Share

This is the stuff I really don't like to talk about, and would prefer not to post on Facebook in either status updates or notes. (Seems a little silly, really, since I led you here from a Facebook post, yet it's only you guys, friends and family that'll bother to read this.)

 I'm not hiding it because I am ashamed. I am, just a smidge. Not because it's my own fault, just because it hurts really really badly to talk about my own failings, and apparently my own beloved son, my single spawn, has caused me to think I failed him somehow, somewhere.

 Have I bored anyone who doesn't know me personally right off this page yet? GOOD!

 It seems that last March my son got busted. Arrested and charged with multiple felonies all involving drugs and weapons. I didn't learn of this until weeks later
. By May he was convicted after plea-bargaining his way into a lesser sentence. By June he was incarcerated into the AZ State Prison system.
  He's going to turn 26 years old next week: Odds are he won't be released until he's somewhere into his 30's.
 I am still digesting these cold hard facts.
 He left a 'wife', whom he'd told me recently (pre-arrest)  that he never actually married despite the fact that I attended their wedding.

 He left 2 children that he'd claimed as his on their birth certificates as their Father. I know by blood and intuition that his first child is related to me,
I am not so sure that the cute little second one is related to me by anything more than my son's desire to claim him.
Irregardless,  he left these two babies, my grandchildren,  without telling  me.

Maybe I could have done something to protect my grandchildren as I seem to have failed to protect my son..

All I know is Rumor.  Rumor says his wife is gone, my grandchildren are in Social Services and they won't tell me a GODDAMN thing unless I have an attorney submit my claim to my own minor/juvenile Family for me.  (Grandparents have very few legal rights to their Children's Children.)

I can live with the fact that my son is incarcerated for after all, many people have told me that he'd probably end up there.  Partly owing to his smart-ass intellectual tendencies, and partly owing to my avente-garde supposedly lacksidasical style of childrearing; to wit, I was too easy on him, and therefore shouldn't be suprised that he turned out to be less than a 'model citizen'.

I beg to differ.  I've been over and over and over my last 26+ years of life wondering how or what I could have done different and do you know what?
I wouldn't change 1 single thing about how I raised that boy.
He knew Love.  He was stimulated both physically and mentally by a committed parent (me) who was most of all always there;   he had Consistency, Encouragement,  much Praise and many Rewards for his successes, and my deepest commiserations and understanding on upon his failures.  He was a Cherished Child., and he helped me more than he'll ever know to Grow Up myownself..

 I miss this dude.  More than I can say.

I honestly don't want to answer a whole bunch of questions about him, despite the fact I have many many questions of my own for him.
I haven't heard from him.  Anyone interested in his current welfare can Google the ADC, Arizona Department of Corrections and look him up by name;  it's a weekly updated website that tracks each and every prisoner in their system.

This is why I've been reluctant to mention him, and why I've been so damn quiet lately..
Here's how I best remember my son, you know?

 YES:  I raised him to be tough.  And strong..  To always acknowledge the power of Love, Compassion, and Honor..  To care about others, and find Joy wherever he could.

But in Reality,  here's how he really is today.  I present, The Mugshot .  Look away, it bothers me too


1 comment:

SidDawgone said...

Smooches, sis. I love you.